It's been awhile since I've written a blog post. I've been doing some reflecting over the year lately, especially with the holidays coming up. This Christmas will be my fifth Christmas alone. I use the word alone on purpose. I could identify myself as a single parent, or widow, because I am very well a widowed single parent. I like the word alone better......not lonely, just alone. There is a big difference.
While I am a widowed single parent, I feel myself separating from identifying myself as a widow or single parent first. I remember the first two years after my husband died. There was a great deal of grief and sadness in those two years. Identifying myself as widowed and a single parent first caused me to focus my identity on my pain and what I felt was missing in my life. When I think about who I am, I don't want the first thing I think about to be pain or what's missing. I am a follower of Jesus Christ. And I am not just a follower, I am a lover of Jesus Christ. My desire is to live my life so saturated in His love that others are drawn to Jesus by how I live my life.
If I want people to see Jesus in me, my focus on my life can't be on what hurts or what's missing. I am not saying that I should ignore my pain and suffering. Pain and suffering is as much a gift from God as a spouse, a child, that promotion at work, or whatever blessing you desire. We are all going to have pain and suffering in our lives, and we are all going to grieve losses. God uses pain, suffering, and grief to grow our relationship with Him and to show us who He truly is as Comforter and Healer. What I am saying is this: I don't want my identity to be pain and grief, because pain and grief is just a season. I want my identity to be something constant.....something that doesn't fluctuate with seasons of my life. I want my identity to be so wrapped up in Jesus, that when I think of myself, I think of Jesus first.....not on the life events that left me broken, or what is not in existence in my life, but rather on the faithfulness of my Savior, the healing balm of His Spirit, the security and protection of Him being Lord over my life, and all of the different ways I've discovered who He is to me.
I am alone, but alone with Christ. As I type this, I have just gotten over being sick and Ryan was up all night the night before. While there is not another person here to take the night shift, there is always a Provider who is able to meet my every need and a Comforter who carries me when I'm exhausted. There is always a Companion I can talk to at the end of the day. There is always a Supporter when I'm not confident in my decision making, or if I've made a mistake and I'm having a hard time forgiving myself.
It's been five Christmases this year, and each one my focus has been on my grief and my struggles. I know I'll still miss Mark, I'll still talk about him, and I'll still have struggles as a single parent, but I just feel like it's time to separate and change my focus. It's time for something new. It's time to go after my calling and the assignments God has presented to me. It's time to make my life into something new, and not on outside appearances, but how I view my situation and what I spend my time on in light of eternity. It's time for some big picture living.