God, I Hate You!!!
I think many people would be surprised to know that I have thought the above statement, have said it out loud, and have even screamed it. A natural part of grieving is dealing with anger, and most of my anger has been towards God. One thing I will never understand is how God, who not only has all of the power in the universe, but is also power Himself, could let my husband die the way he did and during the time in his life He let him die in. God could have fixed everything in an instant, could have healed my husband from his autoimmune condition, liver failure, and leukemia, and allowed Mark to stay here. But He didn’t. Mark died, in a hospital bed, when I, along with many others, had all of the faith in the world that he would experience healing on this earth.
I was very surprised the first time I felt angry towards God, because I believe His word with all of my heart. I believe that God has a bigger plan and sees the whole picture, while I only see a small part. I believe my husband is in a better place, and that God had mercy on Mark by relieving him from his sick body. I believe that God knows what is best for all of us, and that He has an awesome, amazing, beautiful, extraordinary plan for every single person’s life. I believe that He loves me with a crazy, wild, unimaginable love. His love is so big that I can’t fully understand or truly grasp with my human mind how deep His love is for me. So why do I get angry? Why do I yell and scream at Him, even after a year of my husband being gone? Why have I been so angry to the point that I want to take a baseball bat and knock holes in every single wall in this house?
The answer is really simple: I miss Mark and I don’t have the answers to my questions. And even if I did have answers, I would probably still get angry because I miss my husband. When I feel angry towards God, I talk to Him about it, cry and scream if I need to, and then leave the anger with Him and walk away from the anger. Notice I say “walk away from anger” and not from God. When I first started feeling anger towards God, it was a struggle for me to pray and read my Bible. The LAST thing I wanted to do was to spend time with God. But I had a choice to make: I could choose to hold on to anger and get bitter, or I could lay it down and pick up something stronger than anger to hold on to, which was my faith and relationship with Jesus.
Walking away from anger takes work. There have been days where I’ve had to lay down that anger every hour on the hour! There have been days when I held on to it and stewed on that anger for awhile. From what I’ve experienced, the more you lay down your anger towards God, the easier it gets each time to let go. The more you spend time in prayer and in the Bible, truly taking it all in and opening yourself up to God’s love, the easier it is to let go of that anger.
Every single person experiences something in life that is unfair. Losing my husband was unfair. Raising my child by myself is unfair. Being a single parent is unfair. I didn’t bring any of this on myself, nor did I ask for any of this. I could hold a grudge towards God if I wanted to, but I love Him more than I hated Him. That’s something you have to remember when you are a Christian and you grieve – loving Him more than you hate Him. You may experience anger towards God, and THAT IS OKAY!!!! It’s okay to get angry and yell at Him. He’s God, He can take it……He’s not going to strike you down or punish you for getting angry and expressing it to Him. You have a human, finite mind that is trying to understand an infinite God. There are going to be questions you don’t get answers to and things you don’t understand. Just don’t camp out there…..don’t hold on to the anger. Express it to Him, talk to Him about it, and let go and give Him your anger. He can do more with your anger than you can holding on to it. Even if you feel like you hate Him more than you love Him, let go of that hate and take hold of His love. He loves you with every fiber of His being, so make your love for Him bigger than the anger and hate you feel. His love will heal your heart and wash away the pain, the anger, and the hate.
I think many people would be surprised to know that I have thought the above statement, have said it out loud, and have even screamed it. A natural part of grieving is dealing with anger, and most of my anger has been towards God. One thing I will never understand is how God, who not only has all of the power in the universe, but is also power Himself, could let my husband die the way he did and during the time in his life He let him die in. God could have fixed everything in an instant, could have healed my husband from his autoimmune condition, liver failure, and leukemia, and allowed Mark to stay here. But He didn’t. Mark died, in a hospital bed, when I, along with many others, had all of the faith in the world that he would experience healing on this earth.
I was very surprised the first time I felt angry towards God, because I believe His word with all of my heart. I believe that God has a bigger plan and sees the whole picture, while I only see a small part. I believe my husband is in a better place, and that God had mercy on Mark by relieving him from his sick body. I believe that God knows what is best for all of us, and that He has an awesome, amazing, beautiful, extraordinary plan for every single person’s life. I believe that He loves me with a crazy, wild, unimaginable love. His love is so big that I can’t fully understand or truly grasp with my human mind how deep His love is for me. So why do I get angry? Why do I yell and scream at Him, even after a year of my husband being gone? Why have I been so angry to the point that I want to take a baseball bat and knock holes in every single wall in this house?
The answer is really simple: I miss Mark and I don’t have the answers to my questions. And even if I did have answers, I would probably still get angry because I miss my husband. When I feel angry towards God, I talk to Him about it, cry and scream if I need to, and then leave the anger with Him and walk away from the anger. Notice I say “walk away from anger” and not from God. When I first started feeling anger towards God, it was a struggle for me to pray and read my Bible. The LAST thing I wanted to do was to spend time with God. But I had a choice to make: I could choose to hold on to anger and get bitter, or I could lay it down and pick up something stronger than anger to hold on to, which was my faith and relationship with Jesus.
Walking away from anger takes work. There have been days where I’ve had to lay down that anger every hour on the hour! There have been days when I held on to it and stewed on that anger for awhile. From what I’ve experienced, the more you lay down your anger towards God, the easier it gets each time to let go. The more you spend time in prayer and in the Bible, truly taking it all in and opening yourself up to God’s love, the easier it is to let go of that anger.
Every single person experiences something in life that is unfair. Losing my husband was unfair. Raising my child by myself is unfair. Being a single parent is unfair. I didn’t bring any of this on myself, nor did I ask for any of this. I could hold a grudge towards God if I wanted to, but I love Him more than I hated Him. That’s something you have to remember when you are a Christian and you grieve – loving Him more than you hate Him. You may experience anger towards God, and THAT IS OKAY!!!! It’s okay to get angry and yell at Him. He’s God, He can take it……He’s not going to strike you down or punish you for getting angry and expressing it to Him. You have a human, finite mind that is trying to understand an infinite God. There are going to be questions you don’t get answers to and things you don’t understand. Just don’t camp out there…..don’t hold on to the anger. Express it to Him, talk to Him about it, and let go and give Him your anger. He can do more with your anger than you can holding on to it. Even if you feel like you hate Him more than you love Him, let go of that hate and take hold of His love. He loves you with every fiber of His being, so make your love for Him bigger than the anger and hate you feel. His love will heal your heart and wash away the pain, the anger, and the hate.