Things aren't always as they seem. We can fool everyone in the world, including our spouse. My main goal with each blog post is to point people to Jesus. Now it's time to start sharing the imperfections....we all have things we want to hide, but God sees all. We all struggle with something, and none of us are perfect. So this blog post is how I was unfaithful to my spouse.
Overall, my marriage was great. Mark was my best friend. But our love for each other had started growing cold. I tried to understand his struggles with his health, but, to be honest, I got frustrated and mad at him sometimes. We never went anywhere, we stopped going to church, I felt like I was always attending to his needs, and after working all day there were some days I wanted my husband to rub my tired muscles and attend to my needs instead of the other way around. I prided myself on being a faithful wife, but after taking care of someone with a chronic illness, it's easy to forget they are sick and have struggles, especially when they don't look sick.
So I started to daydream. I daydreamed about someone else coming along and taking care of me. I never started a relationship with anyone else and never sought it out, but you don't have to when you are unfaithful. It all starts in the mind before it becomes an action. We can think that we are in control of our thoughts, but those thoughts can take over our mind if we let them get out of control. This is why Jesus said, "If you look upon a woman to lust after her, you have already committed adultery with her in your heart." It all starts with thoughts.
I also had thoughts of leaving my husband. I had fixed my mind on what I wasn't getting from my marriage that I was enteraining thoughts of divorce. I would dismiss those thoughts quickly, but I am sure I would have gotten to the point where I dwelled on that as well. Adultery was committed, while not physically, but was in my heart.
This is where it all starts with unfaithfulness. It starts in the heart. It starts with our thoughts. No one finds themselves being unfaithful without their thoughts and heart going in that direction first. We often think that the physical act of adultery is sleeping with someone else, but what about the million others lustful thoughts that got us there?
The day we found out Mark's liver was failing was December 19th, 2012. That's when I began consistently and actively taking control back of my mind and feelings and began loving my husband unselfishly again. I pushed aside my selfishness and focused on loving and caring for him. My compassion for him came back and I started enjoying caring for my husband again. I carried a great deal of guilt for my sinful thoughts, and so many times wanted to tell my husband how I was struggling. I was too afraid that it would make the whole situation worse, and I didn't want to add to his pain and suffering. Towards the end of his life Mark would tell people what a wonderful wife I was, but I would sit there quiet with the guilt hovering over me. I would think, "You have no clue how I don't measure up to those words....how I've been the exact opposite of what you say I am."
I wish I had taken the opportunity to confess to my husband and make things right. Now that he's dead, I can't make it right with him. If you've had sinful thoughts, confess them to your spouse before you act on them. Make things right now, before you lose the opportunity. This is something that is not pleasant to do.....believe me, I understand that! However, if things had gone differently, I feel that my marriage would have ended up in a mess because of unconfessed sins. Would you rather have an uncomfortable moment and save your marriage, or would you keep your mouth shut and watch it slowly fall apart?
What's the point of confessing? Why would I tell my spouse that I'm struggling with lustful thoughts? They need to know how to pray for you, and they also need to know what parts of the relationship you are unhappy with. Your love for your spouse needs to be restored, and it's going to have to come through open communication.
Even for us who pride ourselves on faithfulness and loyalty, we can't be faithful in our own abilities and strength. It doesn't matter if it's something we feel we will excel at....we are not perfect and we are going to fail, unless we depend on Jesus to be our strength and to keep us faithful and loyal.
Overall, my marriage was great. Mark was my best friend. But our love for each other had started growing cold. I tried to understand his struggles with his health, but, to be honest, I got frustrated and mad at him sometimes. We never went anywhere, we stopped going to church, I felt like I was always attending to his needs, and after working all day there were some days I wanted my husband to rub my tired muscles and attend to my needs instead of the other way around. I prided myself on being a faithful wife, but after taking care of someone with a chronic illness, it's easy to forget they are sick and have struggles, especially when they don't look sick.
So I started to daydream. I daydreamed about someone else coming along and taking care of me. I never started a relationship with anyone else and never sought it out, but you don't have to when you are unfaithful. It all starts in the mind before it becomes an action. We can think that we are in control of our thoughts, but those thoughts can take over our mind if we let them get out of control. This is why Jesus said, "If you look upon a woman to lust after her, you have already committed adultery with her in your heart." It all starts with thoughts.
I also had thoughts of leaving my husband. I had fixed my mind on what I wasn't getting from my marriage that I was enteraining thoughts of divorce. I would dismiss those thoughts quickly, but I am sure I would have gotten to the point where I dwelled on that as well. Adultery was committed, while not physically, but was in my heart.
This is where it all starts with unfaithfulness. It starts in the heart. It starts with our thoughts. No one finds themselves being unfaithful without their thoughts and heart going in that direction first. We often think that the physical act of adultery is sleeping with someone else, but what about the million others lustful thoughts that got us there?
The day we found out Mark's liver was failing was December 19th, 2012. That's when I began consistently and actively taking control back of my mind and feelings and began loving my husband unselfishly again. I pushed aside my selfishness and focused on loving and caring for him. My compassion for him came back and I started enjoying caring for my husband again. I carried a great deal of guilt for my sinful thoughts, and so many times wanted to tell my husband how I was struggling. I was too afraid that it would make the whole situation worse, and I didn't want to add to his pain and suffering. Towards the end of his life Mark would tell people what a wonderful wife I was, but I would sit there quiet with the guilt hovering over me. I would think, "You have no clue how I don't measure up to those words....how I've been the exact opposite of what you say I am."
I wish I had taken the opportunity to confess to my husband and make things right. Now that he's dead, I can't make it right with him. If you've had sinful thoughts, confess them to your spouse before you act on them. Make things right now, before you lose the opportunity. This is something that is not pleasant to do.....believe me, I understand that! However, if things had gone differently, I feel that my marriage would have ended up in a mess because of unconfessed sins. Would you rather have an uncomfortable moment and save your marriage, or would you keep your mouth shut and watch it slowly fall apart?
What's the point of confessing? Why would I tell my spouse that I'm struggling with lustful thoughts? They need to know how to pray for you, and they also need to know what parts of the relationship you are unhappy with. Your love for your spouse needs to be restored, and it's going to have to come through open communication.
Even for us who pride ourselves on faithfulness and loyalty, we can't be faithful in our own abilities and strength. It doesn't matter if it's something we feel we will excel at....we are not perfect and we are going to fail, unless we depend on Jesus to be our strength and to keep us faithful and loyal.