Part 2: How To Be a Friend To Someone Who Is a Widow or Who Has Had a Miscarriage
This is a continuation from last week's post. These are things that I needed after experiencing great loss. If you have a friend or family member who has lost a child or has lost a spouse, these things may be helpful to them as well. The important thing is to listen to what they say, be observant of their behavior, and be patient with them as they grieve.
I Need Space – It was hard for my family and Mark’s family to give me the space I wanted after Mark died. Everyone wanted to jump in and help with Ryan, help with housework, and help with meals. I appreciated the help, but I knew I needed to do things on my own. I needed to learn what I was able to do on my own so that I would know what I needed help with later. I needed to do things on my own, not to prove that I was “Miss Independent,” but to test my own strength. I needed to do everything on my own so that I could have the confidence in my mind to take care of myself and my child.
I know it was hard for everyone when I pushed them away. I didn’t want to push them out of my life, but I wanted distance for awhile to deal with my own emotions and feelings. I needed to work through my new life and figure out what it was suppose to be. When hospice was in and out of the house, I was surrounded by so many people that I just wanted to isolate myself for awhile….I didn’t want to be surrounded by so much activity and busy-ness.
I Need Physical Touch – I have been to different grief support group meetings and hospice memorial services. I have noticed that people who have lost a loved one, especially a spouse, make a point to reach out a give a hug, a pat on the hand or back, or just grasp your hand and hold it for a few seconds. Being touched and comforted like that makes me feel human. During the first 6 months after Mark passed, getting a touch like that was comforting….I felt like an alien in this world and a touch like that snapped me out of that mental isolation.
You never realize how much you miss physical contact until your spouse dies. The person who was always there to greet you with a hug, kiss you good-bye before you went to work, brush by you in the kitchen, poke you with their fork while you ate supper together, sit next to you on the couch, or lay next to you in bed, is all of a sudden gone. That every day, physical contact is gone in an instant, forever. I was a hugger before all of this, but it’s different now. Before all of this, I hugged people because I wanted to show them that I genuinely cared about them. Now when I hug others, it’s more selfish reasons than showing someone I care. I don't just want the hug.....I need the hug.
I Need Strength and to be Safe – I don’t feel safe most of the time now. I have a gun in the house for protection, but I also sleep with a hammer in the bed now. I can’t tell you how many times I think I hear someone creeping through the house at night. Feeling safe is very important to me, and I am doing things right now to work on feeling safe and secure, which I will explain at a later time.
One of the reasons why I don’t feel safe is because I know that I am a target. I am a young widow with a small child, so someone could take advantage of me pretty easily if they planned it out and tried. Also, being a young widow, I am a target for creepy guys. I have had weird guys contact me via Facebook that I don’t know. I have had two married men that I know from high school try to get me to meet up with them somewhere by myself. What’s scary about one of those guys is that he claims to be a Christian and is an active church member where he attends. There are people who look for weak targets in church or Christian circles. If I was a weak person, I would have fallen for that kind of garbage. Thankfully, I am not weak.
I like being around strong men, like my dad. I feel safe with my dad. I have noticed in crowds that I am drawn towards men that I perceive as strong. It’s almost subconsciously, but I notice it and I know why I do it: It makes me feel safe. I feel safe at the church I go to….I don’t feel like the people I know there would do anything hurtful to me, and I feel that if anyone shady was trying anything, that someone there would look out for me.
I Need Trust – It’s very hard for me to completely trust someone. I have had people make promises to me that they have later broken. I have had a number of people walk away from me or not return phone calls. That is okay, because I know people don’t understand what I’m going through and don’t want to deal with me. But with each broken promise, with each person that walks away, I find it harder and harder to trust. I remember the song I learned in Sunday school as a child, “Be careful little eyes what you see.” There is a part in that song that says, “Be careful little heart who you trust.” My heart is very guarded, probably too guarded. I keep people at a distance, but at the same time I long to be free enough to trust. I want to be free enough to trust in the face of the fact that people will disappoint me.
As stated earlier, these are the things that I have discovered I needed after experiencing loss. Some days I am fine, and don’t need certain things, and other days I do. It’s important to remember that grief is an individual experience. Two people could experience the exact same loss, with the exact same circumstances, and be affected in totally different ways. The important thing, above all, is to be patient and kind to the one who is grieving. Eventually, they will become settled into their new life, whatever it may look like, and will be very appreciative of your friendship.
This is a continuation from last week's post. These are things that I needed after experiencing great loss. If you have a friend or family member who has lost a child or has lost a spouse, these things may be helpful to them as well. The important thing is to listen to what they say, be observant of their behavior, and be patient with them as they grieve.
I Need Space – It was hard for my family and Mark’s family to give me the space I wanted after Mark died. Everyone wanted to jump in and help with Ryan, help with housework, and help with meals. I appreciated the help, but I knew I needed to do things on my own. I needed to learn what I was able to do on my own so that I would know what I needed help with later. I needed to do things on my own, not to prove that I was “Miss Independent,” but to test my own strength. I needed to do everything on my own so that I could have the confidence in my mind to take care of myself and my child.
I know it was hard for everyone when I pushed them away. I didn’t want to push them out of my life, but I wanted distance for awhile to deal with my own emotions and feelings. I needed to work through my new life and figure out what it was suppose to be. When hospice was in and out of the house, I was surrounded by so many people that I just wanted to isolate myself for awhile….I didn’t want to be surrounded by so much activity and busy-ness.
I Need Physical Touch – I have been to different grief support group meetings and hospice memorial services. I have noticed that people who have lost a loved one, especially a spouse, make a point to reach out a give a hug, a pat on the hand or back, or just grasp your hand and hold it for a few seconds. Being touched and comforted like that makes me feel human. During the first 6 months after Mark passed, getting a touch like that was comforting….I felt like an alien in this world and a touch like that snapped me out of that mental isolation.
You never realize how much you miss physical contact until your spouse dies. The person who was always there to greet you with a hug, kiss you good-bye before you went to work, brush by you in the kitchen, poke you with their fork while you ate supper together, sit next to you on the couch, or lay next to you in bed, is all of a sudden gone. That every day, physical contact is gone in an instant, forever. I was a hugger before all of this, but it’s different now. Before all of this, I hugged people because I wanted to show them that I genuinely cared about them. Now when I hug others, it’s more selfish reasons than showing someone I care. I don't just want the hug.....I need the hug.
I Need Strength and to be Safe – I don’t feel safe most of the time now. I have a gun in the house for protection, but I also sleep with a hammer in the bed now. I can’t tell you how many times I think I hear someone creeping through the house at night. Feeling safe is very important to me, and I am doing things right now to work on feeling safe and secure, which I will explain at a later time.
One of the reasons why I don’t feel safe is because I know that I am a target. I am a young widow with a small child, so someone could take advantage of me pretty easily if they planned it out and tried. Also, being a young widow, I am a target for creepy guys. I have had weird guys contact me via Facebook that I don’t know. I have had two married men that I know from high school try to get me to meet up with them somewhere by myself. What’s scary about one of those guys is that he claims to be a Christian and is an active church member where he attends. There are people who look for weak targets in church or Christian circles. If I was a weak person, I would have fallen for that kind of garbage. Thankfully, I am not weak.
I like being around strong men, like my dad. I feel safe with my dad. I have noticed in crowds that I am drawn towards men that I perceive as strong. It’s almost subconsciously, but I notice it and I know why I do it: It makes me feel safe. I feel safe at the church I go to….I don’t feel like the people I know there would do anything hurtful to me, and I feel that if anyone shady was trying anything, that someone there would look out for me.
I Need Trust – It’s very hard for me to completely trust someone. I have had people make promises to me that they have later broken. I have had a number of people walk away from me or not return phone calls. That is okay, because I know people don’t understand what I’m going through and don’t want to deal with me. But with each broken promise, with each person that walks away, I find it harder and harder to trust. I remember the song I learned in Sunday school as a child, “Be careful little eyes what you see.” There is a part in that song that says, “Be careful little heart who you trust.” My heart is very guarded, probably too guarded. I keep people at a distance, but at the same time I long to be free enough to trust. I want to be free enough to trust in the face of the fact that people will disappoint me.
As stated earlier, these are the things that I have discovered I needed after experiencing loss. Some days I am fine, and don’t need certain things, and other days I do. It’s important to remember that grief is an individual experience. Two people could experience the exact same loss, with the exact same circumstances, and be affected in totally different ways. The important thing, above all, is to be patient and kind to the one who is grieving. Eventually, they will become settled into their new life, whatever it may look like, and will be very appreciative of your friendship.