Lately I've been wrestling with being occupied with so many good things, that I wonder if I am missing out on the tasks that God has called me to do. I enjoy writing and sharing my story. As I pray and meditate on His word, and give God space to speak to my heart, I am flooded with so many ideas on how to use written words, spoken words, and visual demonstrations to show people the love of Christ and the works of the Lord. The more time I spend with Him, the more passionate I become about this.
I've had so much change in my life the past 3 years. As soon as I get settled or comfortable with something, it changes. I want to be stretched beyond my comfort zones and grow in the Lord, but good grief you'd think a girl could catch a break!! During the past several months God has been teaching me what it means to tune in to His voice. So often when I've prayed during the early seasons of grief, I asked God for the big billboard signs or large sign with flashing lights and arrows to show me I was making the right decisions. And He provided that....I was in shock and in a fog for a long time after my husband died, and didn't trust my decision making skills. But now that I'm out of the shock and fog and intense, paralyzing grip of grief, He hasn't been giving me the big signs. He's been teaching me to listen to that still small voice.....the way He whispers to your heart and is wooing you to get still and quiet before Him so that He can talk to you. It's like the way your best friend talks to you when she shares her deepest secret with you. It's not for everyone to hear....just for those who have a deep, close, personal relationship with that person.
I wish for more time to dig deeper into all of this, and my prayer is that God grants my request in some way. However, I don't want it for me and my own desires. I make this request to Him because this is something I can't shake off......it's something that keeps bubbling up inside of me, and whatever it is that He's leading me to do, I want to be all in.
Right now I don't have the luxury of down time or free time (oh what a luxury that is!!). So until the Lord provides (and if He chooses to provide), I have been laying out everything in my life and asking God what good thing He wants me to let go of that He has not called me to do. I am often so eager to help that I jump on board with something without praying about it and asking God if that is something He wants me to do. I need to make more time for seeking His will instead of jumping at every single opportunity I am presented with. I know I may have some hard decisions to make when saying yes to His will, but I make the decision now to say yes to Him, to follow Him where ever He wants to take me.