Some days I just want to run away screaming. This time of the year is the hardest for me, from April to June. I relive 2013 constantly in my head.....where I was on this day, what I was thinking, not completely understanding that my husband would die and leave me to raise a child on my own. So I guess I'm just extra sensitive about stuff. Or maybe I'm just more aware of how a certain group of people can try to take advantage of you in a vulnerable state.
That certain group of people is men. Not all men, but certain types of men. Creepy men. The ones old enough to be my dad. The ones that don't look at my face when they talk to me. The ones that hug me and hold that hug waaaay too long. The ones that ask everyone else about me to find out "my story" instead of having a conversation with me. The ones that want to "be there" for me when I say I'm a widow, but yet don't know my name. The ones that ask me out on dates during the first real conversation with me. Or how about the ones that ask me to take off work to go meet them in a hotel room.
This is not what I wanted to deal with in my mid 30s. And these scenarios I have just described to you I have experienced at least once, most of them more than once, since my husband has died. These scenarios are not restricted to one particular area of my life.....these scenarios I experience in every area of my life.
Maybe it's my fault.....maybe I'm too nice. Maybe I should stop being one of those people who likes to hug everybody. Maybe I should stop being friendly to men of any kind so that I won't have such bizarre and awkward conversations.
That just flat out SUCKS.
One of the things I miss the most about my husband is the constant safety and security he brought to my life. I hate feeling like I have to be on guard everywhere I go, and that I don't feel safe enough to let my guard down and be completely myself.
But then again, why should I stop being me? Why should I stop being the way I am because people misinterpret my actions to suggest or mean something I never intended?
I don't feel ugly or down about my looks, but I know I'm not all that and a bag of chips. There are other women in this world that look a lot better than I do, and I know this particular group of men that I've described doesn't care what I look like......they just care about what they can get from me.
This is for those of you who are widows and keep up with my writing. I wish I could tell you that people will be respectful with your grieving and emotions. I wish I could tell you that no one will try to take advantage of you in your darkest moments. I wish I could sum up everything on a positive note and leave you feeling all warm and fuzzy inside. I wish I could tell you that the world would give you time to heal, time to allow you to stand on your own two feet, before throwing craziness your way. I've wrestled with this for several weeks trying to find a way that didn't minimize the warning I feel, but I just can't. Unfortunately, in the time we live in, we have to be overguarded and overprotective from those who do not have our best interest in their heart or mind at all.