I had two different conversations at church this Sunday. One showed me how I'm still waiting, and the second was my opportunity to be present in someone else's need. The first was this: A friend came to me, so excited that she had bought a house. It was one of those spur of the moment, spontaneous, breakthrough God moments for her. She was talking with God, thanking Him for taking care of her on a walk, and came upon this house for sale. She's telling me this story about how everything had just fallen into place. I was really, genuinely happy for her, because she has been through a great deal of heartache for a lenghty amount of time, and it's always awesome to see God prove Himself faithful to those who have stayed faithful to Him when everything falls apart in their life. But the whole conversation left me feeling sad and alone.
I struggle sometimes when I see others have those moments, because it reminds me that I'm still looking and waiting.....waiting for restoration of years that have been lost......waiting for redemption for keeping my faith when it seems insane to.....waiting for healing from a consuming heartache.....waiting for answers as to why I was chosen for widowhood......waiting for guidance and direction as to what God wants to do with me now.....looking and searching for God to make things clear in my scattered mind.
I'm thinking of all of this during this conversation that lasted about 3 minutes. While she's telling me the story, I think about how it seems like she is moving forward in a new season with God, while I feel stuck and left behind. I think, "God, what are you doing to me?"
I go into the service, hear the sermon and try to pay attention. I stayed for the second service, even though I wanted to go home....I was ready to just get alone and talk everything out with God. But I had another friend who usually sits by herself during the second service and wanted me to sit with her, so I stayed.
Towards the end of the service, a man who was sitting in front of me turned around and asked me to pray for someone. I didn't catch all of the details, but assume that the person was an adult child. The person he asked me to pray for had cancer and had 50% chance of surviving. I could tell he had been crying, and I could hear the desperation in his voice. After he told me, I told him I would pray and said a quick prayer with him. Once I was done, I wrote down the person's name and focused back on the music played by the worship team. That's when the man fell apart. When a grown man breaks down crying, my heart falls apart with their heart. I put my hand on his shoulder and cried with him. Long forgotten was the first conversation that left me sad and lonely. I was now grieving and feeling another person's brokenness.....I didn't care anymore if I had redemption, or restoration, or healing, or answers, or clear-mindedness. I didn't care about moving forward or waiting or not being alone. All I cared about was being there for someone else while they fell apart......while they cried in the midst of uncertainty and heartache. I was there in that same moment with my husband almost 3 years ago, and I wanted to forget about myself and bear that burden, that pain, that grief with him.
When we focus on ourselves in uncertain and difficult moments, we will often miss opportunities that God sets up for us to be there for someone else. This opportunity was the best thing that could have happened to me today, because it got my focus off of me and showed me how my eyes need to be looking for those hurting around me, not to wish away another "season" or "time period" or "year" in my life for something better or easier. When the waiting is over for this part of my life, God will open up a door to a new season. While I have no earthly clue what that will look like or really what I'm waiting for or anticipating, I know God is taking care of me and knocking off more and more of that selfishness that I still hold on to. And in the midst of all the waiting there is still a lot of work to do for Him.
I struggle sometimes when I see others have those moments, because it reminds me that I'm still looking and waiting.....waiting for restoration of years that have been lost......waiting for redemption for keeping my faith when it seems insane to.....waiting for healing from a consuming heartache.....waiting for answers as to why I was chosen for widowhood......waiting for guidance and direction as to what God wants to do with me now.....looking and searching for God to make things clear in my scattered mind.
I'm thinking of all of this during this conversation that lasted about 3 minutes. While she's telling me the story, I think about how it seems like she is moving forward in a new season with God, while I feel stuck and left behind. I think, "God, what are you doing to me?"
I go into the service, hear the sermon and try to pay attention. I stayed for the second service, even though I wanted to go home....I was ready to just get alone and talk everything out with God. But I had another friend who usually sits by herself during the second service and wanted me to sit with her, so I stayed.
Towards the end of the service, a man who was sitting in front of me turned around and asked me to pray for someone. I didn't catch all of the details, but assume that the person was an adult child. The person he asked me to pray for had cancer and had 50% chance of surviving. I could tell he had been crying, and I could hear the desperation in his voice. After he told me, I told him I would pray and said a quick prayer with him. Once I was done, I wrote down the person's name and focused back on the music played by the worship team. That's when the man fell apart. When a grown man breaks down crying, my heart falls apart with their heart. I put my hand on his shoulder and cried with him. Long forgotten was the first conversation that left me sad and lonely. I was now grieving and feeling another person's brokenness.....I didn't care anymore if I had redemption, or restoration, or healing, or answers, or clear-mindedness. I didn't care about moving forward or waiting or not being alone. All I cared about was being there for someone else while they fell apart......while they cried in the midst of uncertainty and heartache. I was there in that same moment with my husband almost 3 years ago, and I wanted to forget about myself and bear that burden, that pain, that grief with him.
When we focus on ourselves in uncertain and difficult moments, we will often miss opportunities that God sets up for us to be there for someone else. This opportunity was the best thing that could have happened to me today, because it got my focus off of me and showed me how my eyes need to be looking for those hurting around me, not to wish away another "season" or "time period" or "year" in my life for something better or easier. When the waiting is over for this part of my life, God will open up a door to a new season. While I have no earthly clue what that will look like or really what I'm waiting for or anticipating, I know God is taking care of me and knocking off more and more of that selfishness that I still hold on to. And in the midst of all the waiting there is still a lot of work to do for Him.